Savage love Rape Date

I met this girl on an "adult" website. We exchanged a few e-mails, then we chatted over IM twice, just the basic small talk, before exchanging numbers. It was on the phone that she told me about her rape fantasy: She has always fantasized about being kidnapped by a stranger from a public place, held in a dark room over the weekend, and forced to do whatever her captor wants.

That sounds hot, but I wouldn't do it without at least meeting first. Safety first. So the idea now is to meet at a bar, have a drink, and then go back to my place and enact a date-rape scene. Not quite her ultimate fantasy, but it just so happens to be one of my all-time fantasies. We're both turned on by the idea that we will be near-strangers.

Now here comes the problem: What if she is some wacko who will call the cops on me/blackmail me and say it was actual rape? Can I protect myself from this somehow? We never talked about it over IM, just on the phone. This is one of the boxes I would like to check before I die, but I want to be safe about it. Help!

To Rape Or Not To Rape

I'm tempted to advise you—and others with similar fantasies (not all of them men, not all of them straight)—to Google "Oliver Jovanovic" and then move on to the next question. But there's the digital divide to consider: Not all aspiring date-rape fetishists have access to the interwebs.

Oliver Jovanovic was a graduate student at Columbia University when he met a woman named Jamie Rzucek on the interwebs way, way back in 1996. The two bonded over a shared interest in bondage and torture, and they met up for an evening of consensual sex that included bondage and torture. After it was all over, Rzucek went to the police and Jovanovic was arrested, prosecuted, found guilty, and given 15 years to life. He spent almost two years in prison—during which time he was brutally assaulted—before he was released on appeal and ultimately kinda, sorta exonerated.

Guess what got Jovanovic out of prison? E-mails that had been improperly excluded by the judge during the first trial. The e-mails showed that Rzucek had not only consented to engage in bondage and S&M, but that she had touched base with Jovanovic after the fact to tell him how exhilarated she was.

The lesson for you, TRONTR, is to get it in goddamn writing. Negotiate this scene via e-mail, keep copies of those e-mails, and agree in advance—via e-mail—on a safe word that, if uttered, brings the action to a screeching halt. I'd also suggest that you—with her consent—make a digital audio recording of the encounter. Then you wouldn't just have e-mails proving she consented going in, TRONTR, but a digital recording that proved you stopped whatever it was you were doing if she used her safe word and retracted her consent during the encounter.

Making a digital audio recording of the encounter means you won't have photos or video to share over the interwebs, which should appeal to her if she is concerned about privacy. And using the magic of the World Wide Interwebs, you can simultaneously record this encounter on your computer and remotely on hers. That should give her some assurance that you won't take advantage of her written consent to a consensual rape-role-play scenario as a cover to actually rape her, i.e., to do things she hasn't consented to or to ignore her if she removes her consent during the act, because then she'd have proof that you ignored her safe word and kept going after she withdrew her consent.
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I've been seeing "Radioman" for a few weeks—the physical chemistry between us is amazing, and we have a lot of fun. He had a vasectomy a year ago (he's only 26), and for me this is a deal breaker since I want to have a family. The other surprise is that he is in relationships with two other women and the three of them get together and have threesomes. I am a bisexual woman recently out of a long-term relationship, and I am interested in joining this little playgroup. However, I met one of the other women recently, and she seemed jealous and upset. Radioman insists that she was just tired and actually likes me. I'm not so sure. Am I asking for drama by getting involved in this foursome?

Thinking Of Joining A Harem

Yes.

Speaking of drama: Teen mom Bristol Palin and her fiancé, Levi Johnston, called it quits last week. So we've been cheated out of the Royal Rube Wedding we were promised during last summer's Republican National Convention—and another child will grow up without a father in the home, which is a tragedy for the child, according to America's Talibangelists.

Or that's what they said when Mary Cheney—remember that dyke?—had a baby with a woman she would marry if she could marry. It's weird that America's Talibangelists aren't making the same point now.
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I hate to disagree, Dan, but you missed the mark when you wrote this: "When we marry, we're signing up to fuck someone at least semiregularly for decades. Not interested in fucking? Don't marry."

Dan, people marry for many, many reasons. Sex is only one of them, and sometimes it isn't even high on the list—or on the list at all. Family, friendship, stability, love, someone to grow old with, and on and on. Your surprisingly narrow description of what marriage means needs some rethinking.

Thanks for your work,

Cacilda Jethá, MD

I'm willing to concede that I left an important subordinate clause out of the sentence that riled you, CJ: "When we marry, we're signing up to fuck someone at least semiregularly for decades, among other things..."

Marriage can be about all the things you list, but so long as sexual exclusivity is presumed to be a part of marriage—a defining part, according to the right-wingers—spouses have a right to expect sexual activity within their marriages. People who are interested in marriage but not sex—people whose lists only include family, friendship, stability, love, someone to grow old with, and on and on, but not sex—need to inform their prospective spouses of their disinterest in sex before marrying, not after.

As I've said a million times: If you don't think that sex is what marriage is all about, mostly about, or even partly about, if sex is something you can live without, that's grand. But you need to marry someone who feels the same way or inform your betrothed of your disinterest in advance. And if you lose interest in sex after you marry, but want your partner to stick around for the family and stability and friendship, I'll let you in on a little secret: The spouse is likelier to stick around if you give the spouse permission to get his or her sexual needs met elsewhere.

It never ceases to amaze me how many people who aren't interested in sex—who consider sex to be trivial and unimportant—nevertheless deny their frustrated partners permission to do this trivial, unimportant thing with others.
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Comesicle Savage love

My husband and I have been together for about four years and have been married for a little over a year. He's 31; I'm 27. We started out as friends and soon began a long-distance relationship, until I got pregnant. We have a great friendship, and honestly I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. Here's our problem: I have the sex drive of a 16-year-old boy, whereas he's practically asexual. The fact that we even got pregnant is quite shocking.

Early on, it didn't bother me much—infrequent sex is common in long-distance relationships—but now that we're married, he would still rather jack off to porn. I'm not hideous. I'm in great shape, my "amazing ass" gets hit on all the time, and I'm an open-minded, porn- loving girl—but my husband isn't interested. LAME. The sex he does give me is quasi-forced, strictly missionary, and at most three times a year. But the solo sex he has in front of the computer while I'm at work happens three times a week at least. LAMER.

The topic has been discussed often. Especially after I go out with friends and come home at an indecent hour, upon which I must explain that I spent the night being chatted up by blokes who noticed my "amazing ass." He's admitted that his sex drive has been a problem in his previous relationships. I guess I'm just getting to the point where one of these days, I'm going to fuck a minor-league soccer team. Any thoughts?

Sexless And Desperate

Your husband—who is beating off three times a week in front of the computer—is interested in sex, SAD. He's just not interested in sex with you or anyone else he's ever been with. But ultimately, the issue here isn't sex. It's about neglect and selfishness and false advertising. (When we marry, we're signing up to fuck someone at least semiregularly for decades. Not interested in fucking? Don't marry.) Since he's unlikely to change his ways—his stunted, sexually selfish ways—you have just two options: an open relationship or a new relationship.

Considering your compatibility and the fact that you have a child, I'd encourage you to stay together. So an open relationship it is—and he shouldn't have a problem with that. If sex doesn't matter to him, if he's indifferent to sex and/or you, then it shouldn't matter to him if you occasionally do this supremely unimportant thing with other people and/or minor-league soccer teams. So long as you're a good and loving partner and coparent, and so long as your family is your first priority, you should be free to seek safe, sane, and nondisruptive sex elsewhere. Added perk for him: no more quasi-forced sex with you.

And who knows? Maybe knowing that you're having sex with other dudes—or just knowing that you can have sex with other dudes—will cause your husband to develop a bad case of sperm-competition syndrome (Google it), and the husband will be inspired, fucking you three times a week instead of his fist.
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I'm 21, female, and pretty experienced. The guy I'm dating now is 23 and a virgin. I'd really like to avoid some of the awkwardness that I'm sure is going to arise, seeing as I'm his first. (And has arisen—the first time we attempted to do the deed, he was so nervous he couldn't stay hard; he also thought he was "in" when, in reality, he was humping my leg.) I'm at a loss. Obviously this is going to take a lot of communication in the moment; aside from that, do you have any advice for how to make this less awkward for both of us?

First Isn't Really Sexy Time

Mess around a few times—at least a half a dozen times—with vaginal penetration off the menu, ratcheting down the performance anxiety for your boy. Once he's seen that, yes, his dick does work—yes we can get hard, yes we can stay hard, yes we can blow a load with a woman in the room—then you can move on to vaginal intercourse. And take control, FIRST: Tell him—as sexily as possible—what you're going to do before you get started, tell him what you're doing while you're doing it, and then you can tell him when he's "in" instead of letting him guess.

And, finally, a little required reading for the virgins out there and the people who are about to fuck some sense into them: The Virgin Project. Illustrators K. D. Boze and Stasia Kato interviewed all sorts of people—gay, straight, bi; young, old, ancient—about their loss-of-virginity experiences. The illustrated stories in The Virgin Project are moving, hilarious, and heartbreaking in turn—sometimes all three at once—and knowing that everyone's first time is awkward, and that some folks' first times are unpleasant, and that most of us survive them, might be good for your virgin, FIRST. It couldn't hurt you to be reminded of those things, either.
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I appreciated your responses to Missing Kisses and Loses Interest Quickly, and I would like to share what worked for me some years ago when I wanted to taste my own come but was hesitant—and I've got two follow-up questions for you.

My girlfriend (now wife), like LIQ's wife, was frustrated that my come-eating ambitions would disappear after climax. So we figured out a way for me to eat it before I climaxed: I masturbate into a ziplock bag and put it in the freezer. Then during our lovemaking session we retrieve the baggie—she feeds it to me in frozen chunks, or she lays the frozen pieces on her body and I lick it up as it melts, preclimax of course. Because of these baby steps, now on special occasions I even eat it "fresh" after I've come in her.

Two questions: Could home-frozen sperm—stored for 24 hours or so in a regular household freezer—impregnate my wife? And if so, is there a risk of birth defects or miscarriage? Also, we are interested in using my ejaculate as an ingredient in cooking—are you aware of any legit recipes that use human semen?

Coming Around To Cream Pies

Frozen spermsicles gross me out, CATCP, and I arrive at this debate with a real affection for the stuff. So I can't imagine your idea will catch on, even among guys like you and LIQ. Another reader had a better idea: a little tantric woo-woo. "Through specific breathing patterns and concentration, you can make yourself come without ejaculating; or you can ejaculate a little and still be hard," writes Mr. F. "I can bring myself to a 'mini-orgasm' where I just slightly come on my girlfriend's tits, go right back to riding her again, and tease her by licking a bit off. She loves it."

As for your questions...

"Sperm frozen in a household freezer would probably be useless for insemination," says David E. Battaglia, an associate professor at Oregon Health & Science University and a fertility consultant. "The issue isn't genetic damage (there probably wouldn't be any). The issue is sperm survival. Sperm has to be frozen in special solutions in order to survive, and we freeze it in liquid-nitrogen temperatures."

And while I've never cooked with sperm—if it's not in Mark Bittman's How to Cook Everything, it was either meant to be eaten raw or not at all—there's a cookbook out there for you: Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes.
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Savage love bad attitude

I have lived with my boyfriend for almost two years. He says he loves me and does a lot of loving things for me. We are both in our early 60s, but we have the sexual energy of 20-year-olds. Here's the problem: I am overweight (size 18). I was overweight when he met me. I now know that he hates fat women. You should hear his disgust when he sees them on TV or on the street. He has begun to tease me and make jokes about my weight. This hurts my feelings, and I have told him so. He says I'm too sensitive. What is your advice to me?

Fat And Teased

Before I answer your question, FAT, I'm going to take a little stroll down Suppressed Memory Lane: I once had a "bisexual" boyfriend. (I place bisexual in quotes, Angry Bisexual Community, only because this guy wasn't bisexual. That doesn't mean other guys aren't bisexual.) My "bisexual" boyfriend liked to claim that he really wasn't that into men until I came along—I was the magical exception, the one guy who did it for him—but even then, he told people loudly at parties, he was mostly turned on by how into him I was, he wasn't that into me or my junk. (He could barely stand to look at my cock—which is why he stuffed it in his mouth or ass whenever we got naked.)

And you know what, FAT? He made disparaging comments constantly about gay men he saw on the street or on TV—gay men like the one he was with—and put me down constantly for having a much more serious case of the gay than he did. He was going to marry a woman one day, a woman with lady parts, and have a family; I was going to remain hopelessly gay all my life. He was, of course, gayer than a college wrestling team and eventually came out as gay—much to the consternation of all his friends who believed him when he said that he wasn't really that into men. (By which I mean to say, much to the consternation of absolutely no one.)

Anyway, your current boyfriend (early 60s, straight, asshole) reminded me of my old boyfriend (20, gay, asshole). A man who claims to have fallen in love with someone who he's not attracted to, or someone who disgusts him, expressly so he can belittle that person and make that person feel awful, well, that man is a complete asshole, FAT, and my first impulse is to advise you DTMFA just like I did my asshole boyfriend. But...

You say he's good to you otherwise, does loads for you, and fucks you regularly—so before you dump this motherfucker, FAT, let's consider reforming him. Say he's totally into you and into big women, just like my ex was totally into cock. But, like my ex, he's uncomfortable with his sexuality and worries about what other people think—including you, FAT, as paradoxical as that may sound. So he makes asshole comments in an effort to hide his true feelings—possibility fetishistic feelings—for big women. The asshole comments allow him to pretend that he's not into your body, just hopelessly in love with you, the person you are on the inside—which makes him one of the "good guys," i.e., a guy who isn't so shallow as to let a little thing like your weight come between you.

While I had to dump my "bisexual" boyfriend, FAT, a little shock-and-awe therapy might convince your "fatphobic" boyfriend to knock it off. You shouldn't have to put up with his comments, FAT, whether they're motivated by shame for his attraction to big fat asses or, if my theory is incorrect, by a genuine hatred for fat people. Either way, FAT, you've got to tell him—in no uncertain terms—to knock it the fuck off already. Don't be measured, don't wrap it up in "I" statements, no mewling about your feelings. Give him both barrels: "If you don't knock it the fuck off—the asshole comments, the stupid jokes—I'm going to kick your ass out, got it?" A strategic blowup or two should occur—scream, yell, smash a few things you're not all that attached to—when he slips up. Repeat until his attitude changes or his address does.
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When I first met my fiancé two years ago, he was training for a marathon and had the body of a Greek god. But he seems to be losing all interest in his appearance. The other day he sent me a photo of himself (I am finishing college in another state) that made me yelp in shock because he'd gained so much weight. I don't want to dump him—the man I love is encased in that mound somewhere—but it's gotten to the point where I'm glad I'm in a long-distance relationship because it means I don't have to sleep with him. How can I communicate this in a subtle way so as not to hurt him?

The Biggest Gainer

Well, aren't you a shallow piece of shit. I mean, do you love this man for who he is or how he looks? What about the person he is on the inside?

Just kidding, TBG, I'm totally on your side. While we all eventually arrive at old and ugly—"ugly" is an entirely subjective judgment, of course, and for some of us, "body of a Greek god" counts as "ugly"—you're under no obligation to marry a man who's in a hurry to get there. Tell him that committing to you means committing to maintaining his body out of consideration for the pleasure you're expected to provide to it/take from it.
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Thanks for your advice to Missing Kisses, where you explained that sometimes men can be turned on by a desire to do some post-orgasm activity but lose that desire once we've ejaculated. I have this problem with one fantasy.

For years, while fucking my wife, I've told her about how badly I want to come all over her nipples and then lick it off. She's keen on the idea and presents herself to be licked clean after I come. However, I've never been able to follow through. It's not a matter of some latent gay panic; I'm simply not turned on anymore at that point and have no desire. Is there a way around this? I'd like to complete the act at least once, if only to surprise her.

Loses Interest Quickly

There is a way around it, LIQ, but your wife will have to lead the way. So stop reading, LIQ, because the rest of this answer is for the wife's eyes only. Mrs. LIQ: You're going to have to make him do it. You're going to have to force him to follow through on all that lick-my-come-off-your-tits dirty talk. The next time he tells you he's going to lick his come off your tits, tell him that you're holding him to it: He either does it or no more pussy for him until he does. And don't make an idle threat: If he doesn't do it, don't let him fuck you again until he does. He'll do it grudgingly, and he'll hate it while he's doing it. But once he's horny again, he'll be so turned on by the thought of what you "forced" him to do that he'll totally "bring it," as the kids were only too recently saying, and fuck the living shit out of you. You're welcome.
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